after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I supernannyed him into submission
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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