I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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