I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
