He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
