her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
