beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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