You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
