this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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