yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
