his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
