He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When are your genitals available?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
