We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
