i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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