Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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