just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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