His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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