I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
