That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
