SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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