It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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