I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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