I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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