ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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