I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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