Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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