THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
