Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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