Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize