I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
