I need to stop coming to work sober
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
