So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
