Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
