I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
