I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
