Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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