Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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