Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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