i love accidental penises.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
