My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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