I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
