I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
