I wanna passion pit in your ass
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
