Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
