I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize