1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
