omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
