she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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