I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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