he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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