Don't make out with my wife yet
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
