you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
