I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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