I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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