I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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