for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
