You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
