So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize