I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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