Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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