Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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