I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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